Fatal_Attraction

A 1x6 Discussion

2009-05-12T21:47:00.000-07:00

Every other Wednesday, 6 very different bloggers will come together to answer a single question. ** To view the speakers blog, simply click on their name and it will link you to their page**

Topic: What do you think about corrective rape in South Africa and its human rights consequences?

Aricia: I will try to be as gentle with this as possible. I will say first and foremost that I do NOT agree with corrective rape. HOWEVER, what people tend to forget, is that this a completely and totally DIFFERENT culture then how things are in America. That doesn't mean I condone it, but people need to understand that there are a LOT of different things that happen in other countries that Americans wouldn't agree with, for example: some cultures remove a girls clitoris, before she's a teenager, while others simply sow close there vaginas. I, like other Americans, find this sort of thing repulsive, and barbaric, but it happens and it's apart of their culture. I regret that this so called "corrective" rape happens to women and children, but I try not to judge and keep an open mind about the culture. Granted every culture has their dark side... and maybe this is South Africa's.

Abrowngirlgonegay: I don't know when people are going to realize that this is not a chosen lifestyle. Being homosexual is not something that can be prayed away, treated with therapy, or cured by rape. We are who we are and we don't deserve to live our life in fear because of it.

I can't imagine living in a country where my basic human rights were not acknowledged. I should be able to go about my business, loving who I want without fear of being attacked. To be attacked and then have my country basically say it's okay would make me feel so insignificant, like a second class citizen, very much like how crimes against slaves were seen back in those times.

BWABW: "Corrective" rape in South Africa absolutely appalls and disgusts me. I simply cannot understand the logic behind it... probably because hate is usually grounded in illogical. If someone disagrees with homosexuality and feels it is a moral sin, how can something like rape,which is immoral in and of itself, correct something else that the same person believes is supposedly immoral? It just doesn't make sense. The same goes for people who physically or verbally harm homosexuals or "Christians" that judge them. That mentality is simply hypocritical. I don't care where you stand on the gay rights issues. This is a HUMAN rights issue and it is wrong, wrong, wrong to physically harm someone because you don't condone their lifestyle. I would never advocate hurting a homophobe because of his/her beliefs. There is no justification, no matter how you look at it. The individuals that perform "corrective" rape need to be persecuted for their actions (and I don't mean death penalty because I am also against that). Communities in South Africa (and all over the world) also need to start, if they haven't yet, talking about how they can protect women, fight this mentality, and heal.

Steadycat: There is no such thing as corrective rape. What a nasty excuse for a male dominated culture to not only rape vulnerable women but to get applauded by other men for doing so. If rape was a corrective measure, the we should allow fathers to rape their daughters for making bad grades in school. Or better yet, if she has a deformed leg, he can rape her until the leg straightens out and she no longer limps. * Spits * I refuse to call what they're doing corrective rape. It is gang rape of vulnerable women in a male controlled society that doesn't give a damn about its females. Tomorrow they can gang rape because they don't like the weather.

Stud with Swag: Corrective Rape. These fourteen letters weren't joined together as one by the Victims of the crime itself, but born of the justification of their attackers and those who turn a blind eye to the brutality of the crime. The term "corrective" adds insult to an already devastating injury because lesbians are also being targeted for and threatened with murder for living openly and in fear simply because they are gay. Rape is rape not matter the reason given or name applied and it's never acceptable. The fact is South African women and children are the leading victims rape according to the current statistics. The laze-faire attitudes and lack of concern for the welfare of women and children in the country are breeding grounds for violent crime.

It leaves me to wonder what kind of society finds normalcy in violence against women and children and how many more other crimes go unreported. It suggests that the lack of legal convictions further condones the mindset and attitudes. I learned that recently sworn in president of South Africa, Jacob Zuma, was acquitted of a rape many felt him guilty of committing a few years ago. This presents an unusual set of circumstances considering homosexuality is considered "un-African" in the region. Homophobia gets a government sponsored pass and women and children suffer a sexual assault every 17 seconds. It's not so much a matter of waiting to see if bias will come into play since he was once charged as a rapist, it's a matter of not allowing it to. Homosexual men aren't being raped so while the word does accurately apply, the fight against rape is all encompassing and tireless it must be waged and won within the South African community. Unfortunately, the human rights consequences aren't enough to stop this devastation from occurring.

Glennisha Morgan: When I first learned about the corrective rape that takes place in South Africa (and a few other countries as well) I was extremely hurt and disgusted. The fact that people actually think rape is going to change someone's sexuality is just insane. I was raped before for whatever reason but, I can't imagine being raped simply because I'm a lesbian. Not to say that this probably has never happened before in the United States but, I know that in some other countries they feel like they're doing a good thing. I had watched a documentary on this where the men felt like they were actually going to "cure" lesbians by raping them. It's just amazing to me how in some other places behavior like this is acceptable. It always makes me feel grateful about living in the United States. Here we fight against things like Proposition 8 but, we don't have to worry about possibly getting raped or attacked just for being homosexual. Again, not to say that attacks against homosexuals don't take place here but, they are definitely at a minimum compared to other countries.I've always been against people going into other countries in attempt to change their way of life or lifestyles but, when it comes to issues like this I feel like action needs to be taken. The question is what type of action? How can you attempt to change someone's mindset when they feel as if what they're doing is right and some places they feel as if they're doing the work of God.

A Weekend to Remember!!!!

2009-04-21T11:17:00.000-07:00

Soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo this past weekend has been OUTRAGIOUS!! But let's start at the beginning. Idk HOW drama ALWAYS finds its way into my life.. but apparantly I'm a freakin magnet.

So friday, April 17: My lovely roommate decides to have a cookout. Thas cool with me. Seeing as how she's on the track team, she wanted to invite all of her track friends. Again: thas cool with me. They were bringing the food and my roommate and I provided the grill and the house. So everything starts off fine. I bring my stereo out of my room into the living room and everyone's havin a good time. Now to understand the situation completely, you must understand my apt complex: these are APTS, not townhouses, so there are a, b, and c levels. I stay on level a, which is the ground floor. Now every apt comes with a "patio" if you're on the bottom level, it's concrete, but if you're on b or c its made out of wood. So returning to the story... everyone is having a good time and then some BIG ass, random ass dudes show up.. Okay, so now I'm pissed. Like all these guests are just that.. .GUESTS. You can't randomly invite other people without askin me or my roommate! You def didnt bring any food and neither did these guys, so all they're tryin to do is come here and eat and that's a big ass HELL NO. So once I'm finally over it, a hit song comes on, and everyone is bumpin to the music provided by yours truly... Then it happens.

KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK

yea its the cops. EVERY weekend they show up because somethin crazy always happens. So my roommate and I step outside to deal with them. There are two burly ass men, and one woman. So they say that we 1: we have too many people at the house (and honestly there was like 20 extra people there), 2: the music was too loud (yea it was) and 3: the grill has to be 20 feet from the house! Ummmmmmmmmmmmmm NO actually it doesnt. So I return inside the house and turn the music down. I also inform some of the people that they gotta leave. I go back outside

Male cop: we need to see both of your ids

My roommate: (politely) Why?

Lady cop: (clappin her hands, and excessively loud) WE NEED TO SEE YOUR IDS, AND IF WE CANT VERIFY YOUR IDENTITY WE'LL ARREST YOU AND TAKE YOU TO JAIL.

My roommate: Don't clap your hands at me, like that's very disrespectful. I just asked you a simple question... which you haven't answered.

Lady cop: WE HAVE TO SPEAK WITH AUTHORITY, NOW WE NEED TO SEE YOUR IDS

Me: ok, we'll be back with our ids

we return inside the house and I'm SERIOUSLY tryin to calm my roommate down because I don't want her to get arrested and she's really upset. So I go into my room and retrieve my id. I go outside and give it to them and we wait for my roommate to return. She doesn't have her license, but the cops didn't specify, so it doesnt matter. these FOUL ass cops actually waited for her to return so they could put the ticket in HER name... they clearly don't like her. So at this point.. she's PISSED. I'm trying to remain calm, keep the officers calm, and keep my roommate calm, so I retreat into my house for a cig. I return with 2, and my roommate brings me my hoodie. As I'm smoking one, I'm putting on my hoodie at the same time. My DUMB ass snaps the cig at the filter.

Me: FUCK

Lady cop: you can't talk like that. I'm writing you another summons.

Me: WHAT? I wasn't even TALKING to you. I said Fuck because I broke my cig at the filter and now I can't smoke it! So what are you even talking about??? I can't say fuck outside of myapt??

DAMN I was sooo pissed! I mean what kinda law is that?? I actually got a ticket for cursing!

Ugh, I got into the house and tell EVERYONE that they gotta get the FUCK out. Like right now. So they leave and I'm left with my angry roommate. Now Friday night was also supposed to be the night of this CRAZY party. But at this point, I really don't even wanna go.

I take a shower and force myself to go. Now once I've arrived, Late of course, the female line is rapped around the damn corner. I just walk to the front tho because... well shit because I wanted too. And WHO is workin the party but naomi??? LOL. She acts very professional and all, but it was still a little wierd seein her. She looked good. So I'm in now, party is jumpin and before I know it people are fightin and the music is turned off. WTF??? Really? The party wasn't supposed to end until 6am and its only 12. While the music is off I run into this stud who was tryin to holla at me last year... but I jus wasn't feelin her. She introduces me to her girlfriend (who is HOT) and I dance with her for a little bit, once the music is back on. So then the music stops again! ANOTHER fight. WTH?? Eventually it gets shut down and I've only been in there for a total of a hour and a half. DAMN I'm mad. At this point, the only thing that can make me feel better is sex.

So I hit up kim.

No answer. Ugh.

I just decide to go to bed.

SAT, April 18: I awake to a text from kim apologizin for not responding to my text. whatever. I tell her to come over and make it up to me.... surprisingly, she does. And she DEF makes it up to me. She's a little shy when it comes to her body, and doens't like tobe naked... but I'm sure that'll change in time. She leaves for her meeting and I take a quick nap. I get up and perform my usual sat ritual which is cleaning the ENTIRE apt from top to bottom. My roommate has left for another track meet and I have the entire house to myself. After I'm finished, my phone rings: It's Steve. HA. He asks if he can wash clothes at my house. Sure, why not? I mean I kinda owe him one after crashing at his house right?

So he comes over and we sit at the table and talk about our past relationship over some jello shots. Once they're all gone, I break out the E&J and we take a couple shots. Yea you know what's comin next, the sex talk. But before him and I breach the topic my phone vibrates again: It's the girl from the party lastnight! LOL. Apparently her girlfriend found me attractive and wants to have a threesome. Wow. I say I'll think about it. I've never had a threesome before, but I must admit that I'm curious. We agree we'll talk about it later. But back to steve. He admits he hasn't had sex in awhile, and I admit I had sex that morning.... and then he says he's horny. I figure why not?? I'm still attracted to him. He's the last guy I had sex with, and I haven't gotten some decent dick since him and I split. So yea, I screwed kim and steve within hours of each other and I FULLY enjoyed it! LOL. It will never happen again of course, and I see it more as closure. He dried his clothes and left.

Hours later, my phone rings again: rebound guy! HAHAHA. No I'm no smut, nothing serious happened. He just came over, ordered a pizza and chilled with me, while I watched a movie. THAT'S ALL. I kicked him out when kim said she wanted to come over tho. LOL. she didn't, but I was tired anyway.

Sunday April 19th: Okay so sundays are my homework days. I just like to chill, do the required homework, watch my favorite vh1 shows and go to sleep... and that's all that happened. LOL

All smiles... I think

2009-04-15T11:49:00.000-07:00

Okay sooooo Lastnight was eventful.

First off let me sum up what happened with my electricity. My stupid rental office was open yesterday, so I decided to give them a call and explain the situation. I recalled the people at the power company and was put on hold as they contacted my rental office. They returned and said since both me AND my roommates name was on the lease than we BOTH had to have our name on the bill... ummm ok. Whatever. Problem is they had some kind of issue confirming my roommates identity, so she had to fax them a copy of her license, birth certificate, and social security card. Once she did that, they said it would take up to 72 hours! WTH??? People LIVE here!

But as my title says, I'm all smiles because I just learned it got put back on today... PRAISE his HOLY, HOLY name.

So Lastnight... due to the fact I had no electricity.... I spent the night at Steve's house. Yea I kno. Crazy right? I think he was a little reluctant, but he allowed me to stay. I had a BANGIN dinner, because Steve is THE greatest cook I've ever met, watched a movie and decided to call it a night at 9:40. Now I'm sure you wanna know WHERE we slept? Well, he slept in his bed, and I slept on the couch...... for some of the night. LOL. I DEF did behave tho! NO hanky panky from me! Not that he didn't make it clear he would have. But in the middle of the night, I decided that I didn't want to sleep alone anymore. So I proceeded up the steps to his bedroom and went to sleep. It was actually kinda nice. Call it closure.

But this morning, I'm treating my roommate out to breakfast in the student center and who would walk in but KIM. Wait lemme back track for a minute, Kim has a bestfriend... make that 2 bestfriends. She's usually only with one at a time, but when she is.. it's like WILL & Fuckin Grace... in reverse. She's the gay and they're both straight

God. That show was funny to watch.... but in real life. It's NO WONDER they're all single. I'm really not surprised. They sleep in Kim's bed EVERYNIGHT... I mean they just CLING to each other NIGHT and DAY. We'll just call these guys Grace 1 and Grace 2. EVERYTHING that comes out of Kim's effin mouth is about one of the Graces.

Example: Yesterday afternoon after I was finished with classes, we were supposed to chill. JUST KIM and I, NO ONE ELSE. But oooohhhhhh NO, Grace 1 lost his keys and she just HAD to help him find them... that took 2 hours. Meanwhile, I just left.

So once I got to steves house, I texted Kim and asked if she was available to talk... I mean I kinda missed her. She says yes. Well whatdaya kno? Who's in the background talking to her but Grace! Idk which one but I mean her and I were on the phone for 20 minutes and probably only Actually talked for about 5, the rest of the time she was saying "hold on" and talking to Grace. It drove me NUTS, so I just said I was gonna hang up.

But anyway, She walks in and sits at my table, and after my roommate leaves, I begin to TRY to express my concerns. It's really hard to try to get to know someone when you can't really see them and when you CAN they aren't alone. Kim is on the Dean's list, she's in numerous clubs etc, and I love that about her but DAMN any free time she gets is consumed with GRACE. So I told her it was a serious turn off. She confided in me and told me when she got out of her last serious relationship, she was really heartbroken and the Graces were there for her... and now she's just grown accustomed to it and is scared to put herself out there again. She says once she's actually with a person, she's VERY different, but I had to interrupt her and tell her we're NEVER gonna get to that point if she doesn't change.

Bitchassness...pt2

2009-04-14T11:25:00.000-07:00

After talking to a colleague, I realized that I forgot to mention the other lame ass things that have been happening at my "job".

First, the reader MUST remember that I am a student Full time. That to me means, it should be my primary focus. My school has a program called "work-study". Idk if every school has it or not, but it's simply a job here on campus. There ARE rules however. You must be a student, full time, and you cannot work more than 20 hours a week. Oh, and you get paid 6.55 an hour... yea I kno. Not much, but NO taxes come out, which take a LITTLE of the sting away.

So I chose to work with Student accounts in the business office. My boss's name is "Courtney". She was cool at first, but as time has progressed, I've began to see how much of a BITCH she really is! I try to be respectful and everything, but she Really pushes my buttons.

The first problem I had with her involved Steve. For some reason she just didn't like him.... Like AT ALL. And It's not like I ever told her anything about him or anything, but she just didn't like him, and didn't like the fact that I was with him. Fine. If that's how you feel... then that's how you feel, but DON'T think you can just be all ignorant and make little snide comments about a relationship you know NOTHIN at all about. I found that to be quite ignorant. She actually made it her duty to ask me if I was sleeping with him.... umm you're not my mother and even if you WERE that's STILL none of you're business! Ugh that was so annoying. I would be talking to other co-workers about him and she would stop what she was doing to interject about how I shouldn't let this guy change my mind about any decision, and how he really shouldn't be in my life at all. Ummm WHO made YOU the go-to person?? Last time I checked your ass was single with a damn kid! So maybe you should have followed your OWN advice and just stayed out of my business.

Problem number two? My hours there. I understand that one should be professional when entering any type of business office, but be realistic! I'm a STUDENT first. The whole reason I'm IN school is so that I DON'T get the dumb, data entry job you have! Whenever I have a paper, or a group project or something of that nature I call out. And I don't feel bad. Sometimes I'll just be tired from staying up all night from a different project and can't get up at 8 to be there by 9. GET OVER IT. She really gets mad and starts to bitch because I'm not there to do HER job for her for 6.55! HA. You're really crazy!

I mean who seriously gets like that? You should be GRATEFUL when my ass Does show up because I'm lessening the load for YOU. She really be trippin... like how GAY are you?? That shit is wack.

Bitchassness

2009-04-14T10:55:00.000-07:00

It's Everywhere. Everywhere I look: Bitchassness.

So today, I woken up by a text from my lovely roommate saying our power was shutoff. Great. But let me give you some history on that:

My roommate: Ciera lived at my apartment complex before me. She actually had another roommate Shayla. Shayla's name was the ONLY name that was on the lease, and Ciera just paid rent. So when Shayla decided she was movin out, I took her spot. It's called a transfer. We signed a new lease etc, and now my name and Ciera's name are both on there. But Shayla's is not. She moved out, but allowed us to keep the security deposit.

Now, I had nothing against Shayla at all... I mean, I didn't have to pay my half of the security deposit because of her. So there's no hard feelings. PLUS the electricity is in HER name. Now she claimed not to mind at all. For some reason, the electric bill gets sent to her new address, so whenever it's due, she just calls me and Ciera and let's us know.

So she calls Ciera and I, and tells us the electric bill is due, however Ciera and I have NO money. Like none at all. So she says cool, when we have the money to just pay it. I mean it IS a recession, and there were times (according to Ciera) when Shayla herself couldnt pay bills. So about a week and a half ago, I get a call from Shayla saying she received a notice saying our electricity would be cut off if we didn't pay the past due amount immediately. I inform my roommate.

She calls them, and they say we have an extension until the 22nd... Like NEXT week. So Shayla gives me a call, and says the people at the electric company called her and told her they were gonna cut the electricity off tomorrow (which is today)....ummmm I'm confused! Once my roommate got the extension, she DEF called Shayla to tell her... so WHAT is she talking about?? Idk, but I of course inform my roommate.

So today my electricity if turned off... I never realized how much I used it, until I didn't have it! Like it's REALLY bad!

My roommate calls the electric people and tells them her name is Shayla. TURNS out, Shayla called them yesterday and TOLD them to shut off the electricity here. WTF???

When we spoke she said that once the electricity is cut off, my roommate and I would have to pay the balance and then we could put it in our names. Ugh. If you didn't want the electricity in you're damn name that's ALL you had to say! Like people LIVE here. How do you do that, and then lie and say that's what the electric people say?? It's clear she didn't want the bill in her name anymore, but I think that was a foul move! Like, Ciera has a KID, luckily, he wasn't here, but Shayla didn't know that!

So anyway, Ciera calls the electricity company and pays the entire balance. She then proceeds to try and get it in her name, but can't due to credit problems. So I volunteer. The lady informs me there will be a 180 security deposit, and that she will have to verify my name on the lease. Fine. She then informs me, that even if all of that DOES occur today, we won't get the power back on until tomorrow. WTF? So she puts me on hold as she calls the rental office... they don't pick up (ghetto asses).

So I ask if I can Fax my lease instead? She tells me that'll take up to 72 hours just for them to get it and process it... which means my power wouldn't get cut on tomorrow, or the day after that, OR the day after that. So I've been calling the rental office every now and then and it's STILL going straight to their voicemail. WTH?? Is it a holiday, or something I'm missing? Is it national "Idon'tgiveafuckday"??? Damn this day has been SHITTY and FULL of BITCHASSNESS

Mmmmm KIM!!

2009-04-13T15:55:00.000-07:00

On a much brighter note (if you read my last post), Kim came over lastnight. =D. What a night I HAD!

So yeah, I know Kim has been playing me, and not showing up like she said she would be.. but she DEF made up everything lastnight. Corrected ALL Wrong doings. LOL. But let me start from the beginning:

Kim sends me a text because she was supposed to come over the night before and bailed on me... again. She texts me how sorry she is, and how she knows she's been bs'in me etc. So what the hell? I decide to give her yet ANOTHER chance... she says she'll come over around noon.

Noon turns into 10pm. She shows up and heads to my room. We talked. I mean we had an EXCELLENT conversation. It's one of the reasons why I like her so much. But we joked around and it got physical.

**Reader, please keep in mind that it is 10pm on a Sunday night, I have classes the next day and homework to finish.**

So Kim swears she's this tough girl, but I can tell that it's really a facade, and that she's actually very sensitive. But keeping with her facade, she playfully pushes me.
HA. You know what THAT leads to!

Annnnnnnddddd it does. She somehow ends up on top of me (OH yeah!!) LOL. But the weird thing is, she likes the lights Completely off... I mean okay, first time you're a little shy, but she says she has NO lamps in her room, that she just likes the dark. So whatever. I turn out the lights.

I must interject and say that her lips have to be the SOFTEST lips I've ever kissed! I mean seriously. And kissing is my thing. But anyway, I stop her. I mean I really like this girl, and when I like someone... I kinda wanna take it slower. She questions why I'm stopping her and I tell her why. I mean I'm horny as ALL hell, but I'm seriously trying to restrain myself. So, I remove myself from her arms, and force myself to the opposite side of the bed (Go me). She then asks me if her and I have had the conversation about how many people we've been with.... ummm no. I'm always a little nervous responding to that question because I feel like, considering my age, and when I lost my virginity... my number is a little on the high side. But what the hell, honesty is the best honesty, and if Kim is really gonna judge me on my past, then she's not the girl I thought she was. So I tell her the truth: I've only slept with 2 girls... but I've been with 10 guys.
I Pause..... silence. Then the silence gets to be too much and I say:

Me: Don't tell me you're number is like ridiculously low.
Kim: It's actually the opposite

Me: really? okay like how many?
Kim: A Lot.

Me: what's a lot? 15? 20?
Kim:

Me: 25? 30?
Kim:
Me: ............................................................................

Kim: 35

Me: (in my head of course:)WHAT???????????? I mean this girl is MY damn age! 35 women??? LMAO and I was worried about my little as 2 girls and 10 guys! Oh wait, I didn't tell you? She has a guy count too! WHHHAAATTT????? Luckily it's only 3, but I mean, WHERE do you find time to sleep with 35 women??????????????????????????? I mean were you in relationship with all of them? Were they only one night stands? I mean were you intoxicated?

Me: wow really? I never would have thought that. But it doesn't really make a difference. The past is the past. I don't view you any different. But ummm how is that possible?
Kim: Some of them were relationships, a few one night stands...

She seems uncomfortable, so I drop it. I mean who am I to judge her? So she used to be a little whore.... that's okay. Some people may consider my number to be a bit whorish... but who the fuck are they? And who the fuck am I? So I drop it. I still like the girl... and I'm still horny.

So somehow, we manage to be all over each other again. And I'm really trying my hardest to stop, but it has been a MINUTE, and she is just touching the right spots. Plus she's kissing me... which turns me on the fastest and THEN she says:

she wants to give me head.

HOW do I say no to that??? I do somehow manage to because although it's been a LONG time... I'm just not like other girls. Head isn't that big of a deal to me. If I never got head again... I'd live. It's just foreplay, and it takes a lot for me to bust off of it. Plus I've only gotten head from 3 people in my life time and that's because I have to be VERY comfortable with a person to do that. I always feel like I'm being selfish.. like they're not getting anything out of it. So what's the point?

So I tell her no. It's outside my comfort zone.. and I'm content just kissing and touching. She will NOT take no for an answer. So.... I give in.

Now, I know I'm supposed to leave past relationships in the past, and not compare, but I mean Come on! Who doesn't compare??? I can't help but to relate this experience to the one I had with Naomi.......

......

......

......

Okay, so Naomi was better BUT that doesn't mean that Kim was bad, because she wasn't at all. I got off on it, its just
1. I'm not as comfortable with her as I am with Naomi
2. I was kinda Forced into letting her
3. My feelings for her weren't as deep as they were for Naomi.

But Kim DEF had other talents. I must say that I'm not to big on fingering, because I mean, Come on What is that? You do that when you're like 15, 16 experimenting with sex and are hella nervous. But DAAAMMMNNNN Kim was good at it! LOL. She made me reconsider my thoughts on it. Idk how, but her fingers jus landed on my g spot and STAYED there. Mmm I didn't last long. Which is so unlike me! And is actually a little embarrassing, but Kim got it like that. Seriously. So now that I'm off.... it's time to return the favor. I mean, I'm not a selfish lover at ALL, and am willing to do what it takes to get my partner off.

There's just one problem: I DON'T KNOW MY PARTNER

Which is precisely why I wanted to wait. Idk her likes, her dislikes, and yea, some of the fun is exploring and finding out, but I mean I have NO clue... So all I can do is what I did with Naomi, and see if it's a match. If not then I'm fucked.

It's a match.

Lol. Or maybe I'm just that good at sex? Never had a complaint, plus I'm a scorpio... which of course speaks for itself. So she's ALL into it, I mean gettin loud, speakin Chinese and then she drops a bomb on me:

She wants some head.

Now usually studs find such an idea repulsive, but Kim says she likes it. There's just one problem: I'm a pillow queen. And if you can't catch my drift from that let me be frank: I have NEVER given a girl head. I mean I've only been with two and one didn't want me to and the the other girl was SOOOooo horrible, I had no desire to. I mean it's not like the idea itself repulses me... it's just I like to be the best in EVERYTHING that I do, but especially sex. And to try head on a girl I'm really feeling when Idk how I'll be? makes me a little nervous.

I confess to her that I've never done that before... and she says it's not a big deal... But I know it is. Apparently, nothing gets her off like it. Ugh. Long story short... I decide to do it.

It CERTAINLY makes me appreciate it a lot more. I never realized how much of an art giving head truly was! HA! It took me a little while, and we started off in the 69 position, until I found out what I was doing.. but according to how hard she came, I'm assuming I wasn't that bad.
Okay well actually I fibbed.

She DID cum, but it wasn't because of my head. LOL. Idk HOW people stay down there that long, but my damn Jaw got tired! I wanted to stop!! So I did.

How selfish right?

Well the point was for her to cum because of me and she did... it was just because of my hand. That's all.

Damn, my jaw hurts just THINKIN about it. Idk what technique other girls use, but I'll stick to just being a pillow queen.

So, needless to say this went on for HOURS. I completed ZERO work, but I was sexually satisfied. However, it left me with a bad taste in my mouth (LOL no pun intended) about her. I like Kim a lot, but I was kinda turned off on how she couldn't wait! I mean I think I'm over it now, but lastnight... after she left, I just found myself wishin we hadn't even went down that path.

I saw her today, and she came over and gave me a hug, and while we were texting later, I informed her of how I felt... that we shouldn't smash again. I think she thought it wasn't good for me, because she said I tried to play her... but I didn't It was good... I just wanna wait. So now that we've been together, I'm hoping she won't put me thru the ringer to see her again. She says she won't but we'll just have to see.

PS: Is it just me or was the light thing a little bit of a turn off? I don't think there's anything wrong with Kim's body, and although everyone has insecurities... I mean she was Completely dressed before she let me turn on the light.. I mean shoes and all! Idk, maybe things will change at a later date.

Naomi...:::Conclusion:::...

2009-04-13T15:41:00.000-07:00

SO, we're finally approaching the last chapter of lovely Naomi. Which is actually a little sad when I think about it. As I last left off, we were supposed to meet today to hammer out the issues and determine the fate of our relationship... So what happened you ask?

NOTHING

I sent her a text asking her if she still wanted to talk to me today, and she promptly answered with a phone call that I had to ignore because I was in class. Well she left me a voicemail and texted me saying we needn't meet up today at all, to just call her back once I was out of class. Ummmm ok. She said nothing was wrong, but that it wasn't necessary for us to meet up.

So after class, I call her. She simply states: She's not gonna press me to have a friendship with her, or to have her in my life. If there ever comes a day when I can move past the situation and want to be her friend that I should give her a call and that she'll be there.

......

THAT'S IT.

So, disappointed of course, I say alright and hang up the phone. I guess I was disappointed a little because I expected her to idk have some strong, convincing speech of some sort. She always knows how to engage me in a serious conversation, and her little short blurb over something so serious was a little disappointing.

So fast forward a few hours. I realize that she hast 2 of my favorite movies. So I send her a text asking her to lemme know when she can return them, and I'll have my roommate get them from her. She replies that she'll return one, but not the other..... ummm no. After a bit of back and forth, she finally tells me " I figure if I keep something of yours, you'll always have a reason to come back :("
Me: AWWWWWWWWWWWWW (of course I didn't send that!) But it was def sweet.

Naomi is a good person. She really is. It's just that what happened created a large gap. I'll def miss her tho. This Friday would actually have been our one year anniversary. *sigh* I'll get over it. I told her I can't see her and to just leave the movies with my roommate, but I'm not sure it'll actually play out that way. But even if it doesn't this is Certainly the last you'll be hearing of my beloved Naomi

Naomi... pt 2

2009-04-12T15:47:00.000-07:00

So, part two:

Needless to say after have gone thru an experience like that, and Naomi not being there, I wasn't too keen to hit her up.... at ALL. She eventually sends me this Long ass email stating that she misses me, and that she thinks about me all the time, she's sorry for not being there for me, but that she still wants a relationship with me.

HA

Really? I was a little surprised to have heard from her ass at all considering how she jus up and left me... but I still love her. Her actions def hurt me, a lot, but that doesn't negate the feelings that have accumulated for her. I tell her that our relationship is damaged, but that it's fixable. Idk HOW we actually inteded on fixing it, but I know that I was honestly ready to give it a try. This brings me to this semester: spring of 09. Since the break we've been taking it slow, texting, not really pushing anything and then she asks to come over... I hesitate, but I feel like I can handle it.

BOY was I WRONG!!!! Things between us were jus weird and awkward. We used to be able to talk shit to one another (jokingly of course), and have serious conversations, but now? Our conversations are as shallow as 2feet deep lake. I learn from that visit, that I'm not as comfortable with her as I'd like, so we resume to texting.

Fastforward to today, things haven't changed THAT much, she had a "girl" as did, but both relationships fell thru and idk.... I just can't connect with her the way we did last semester. We actually went like 3 weeks without speaking to one another over some dumb ass argument... that's not like us at all.

So to conclude this sequal, I sent her an email. I explained exactly WHY we are the way we are. The trust is gone, and the bond is broken. I will always harbor feelings for her, but she honestly knows nothing about my emotional and physical experiences last semester and you know what? She doesn't DESERVE to know, and I told her such. As a friend, you don't bail when the times get hard. Idk why she didn't know that, but she says she allowed her emotions to take control.

Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. You're 27 years old! Why haven't you learned how to get that under raps now? Granted, from time to time everyone slips up, but damn! She sure as hell picked the Worse time to do that!

She initally responded to my email saying that she wasn't going to let our friendship go, but she later changed her mind, and said she realizes how hurt I must have been not to have had her, and that if I'm better off without her in my life then she'll fall back.

I'm not quite sure HOW I feel at this point, but her and I have made the decision to talk face-to-face tomorrow and figure it out.

**Wish me luck**

Naomi... A History

2009-04-09T14:17:00.000-07:00

So it's time yall know A little history about Naomi and I, and why we are the way we are. But PLEASE BE WARNED: THIS BLOG IS VERY EXPLICIT.

Okay, so as you know, Naomi was the first girl I slept with, and boy was it amazing. This happened in the summer of 08 and I was WHIPPED. LOL. It's funny now that I reflect back on it, but back then? I woulda done any and everything for her. So we were talking exclusively, but we didn't have the title of dating. As the story continues, she suddenly decided that she we were moving to fast and that she didn't wanna talk to me anymore... I was not only heartbroken but a little surprised... I mean this girl is 7 years older than me... aren't older women supposed to be more intune with what they want? How are you feeling me hardbody one day, and then the next never wanna talk to me again? Idk but when I returned to my school in September her and I salvaged our relationship and this is where the REAL story starts:

Her and I were sooooo close. I don't really get along with other women in general, so her friendship meant a lot. We were still having sex, but it wasn't all the time and our relationship wasn't based on it at all. She really was the only bestfriend I had at my school. She would come over to chill and I could tell her anything... and most importantly, it was reciprocated.

So since we weren't exclusive, I was messing with steve occasionally. I'm a very sexual person, but I also have emotional needs, and between the two (steve and naomi) I was satisfied. So as I was messing around with steve...my phone broke. And I don't know about the rest of yall, but my black berry is my LIFE. Everything I need to know is in there, my alarms, my class schedule, my meetings... Imean EVERYTHING.... including the time to take my birthcontrol pill. So by now, I 'm sure you can guess where this is going: during the days my phone was broken, I wasn't taking my pill on time, or at all and I got pregnant. In fall 08 of my sophmore year I was pregnant with steve's baby.

SHIT

So now, surprisingly, I'm not freakin out. I tell steve about it, and he doesn't freak out either. He asks me what I want to do about it and I tell him I don't know. The biggest thing was HOW am I gonna tell Naomi??? I mean I love her, and I know that telling her this is gonna hurt her. So I delayed in telling her, because I wasn't quite sure what to do, or what to say. As the weeks progress, steve and I decide we're going to abort the baby (but not after a LOT of back and forth), so that being decided I continue to drink... I mean, I'm not gonna keep it anyway right? So at this point, I'm starting to have morning sickness, and severe lower back pain. I still don't know how far along I am, but when I go home I find out I'm 6 weeks. But anyway, I'm on the phone with Naomi, and I'm telling her how I'm sick etc, she then proceeds to ask me if I'm pregnant.....

SHIT

I didn't wanna lie to her, so I simply said: really naomi? You're really gonna ask me am I pregnant? and she dropped it. Now I realize that what I did is called lying by omittion... but what other choice did I have? I wasn't ready to tell her, but I have NEVER lied to her. So then the day comes when I decide to tell her. She picks me up to treat me to lunch and I'm extremely quiet the entire ride there, I don't say much as I eat and It's on the way back that I tell her:

I'm Pregnant.

Silence.

And then Naomi goes OFF. Now please keep in mind that I am extremely vulnerable simply because I'm not even 21 and I'm pregnant, add that to the fact that I'm in school, with essentially NO money and not entirely independant with steve for the father and you can understand how I'm feeling. I am boo-HOOing in the car. She's yelling at me, saying I lied to her when she asked me about it, and how could I... I mean what could I say? I never meant to hurt her... but I can't help but feel like maybe she should ask ME how I'm dealing with this? Or how I'm doing ya know? I can understand you're hurting but it's not always about YOU. She calms down and says that she still loves me, and that she'll be here for me. She asks me what I'm going to do and I tell her that steve and I decided that an abortion is the best thing. She then says that she'll be there for me etc.

Now after that car ride... Naomi disappeard. I mean NO contact whatsoever. No phone calls, No texts, no more visits. I of course attempted to contact her, but she never returned my calls. So it was clear that I was on my own... Steve? well he was there for me, but I wanted Naomi.

So at this point, first semester is coming to a close, and I'm basically living with steve. He takes me to schoo, brings me home, feeds me, and makes sure I have everything I need. The morning sickness has subsided, but I'm having extreme lower back pain...... Then it happens

BLOOD.... EVERYWHERE.

I wake up in the middle of the night to painful cramps, killer back pain and blood.

I'm having a miscarriage.

SHIT

I'm crying, Steve's confused not understanding until it finally clicks. He takes me to the bathroom and helps me clean up and I put on a tampon. He gets his computer, goes on web md, and confirms my nightmare. Logically, the next best thing to do would be to go to the hospital right?

NO.

Not gonna happen. As I previously stated, I 'm not 21, therefore I'm still on my mother's insurance and her and I aren't the best of friends. If I go the hospital, they will bill my insurance and my mother WILL find out.... HELL NO. So as we seek guidance from web md it says there's really nothing to be done. So I have a BAD miscarriage... and where was Naomi? GOOD question. Nowhere to be found.

So now it's christmas break, and I go home with the money for the abortion. I got examined, and found out that I hadn't passed all the dead tissue, and had to get an "abortion" to get the rest of it out.... and so I did.

Needless to say this was an EXTREMELY traumatic experience and WHERE was Naomi?????

NOWHERE TO BE FOUND.

***** stay tuned for part 2

DAMN KIM!! REALLY????????

2009-04-09T13:00:00.000-07:00

UGH. Last night was a DISASTER. Kim did it to me again!

I mean the last post I wrote said that I expected to be notified... and I was, just literally like 5 minutes before I expected her ass to be here! But let me backtrack and rewind a little bit:

It's around 10:30 and while I'm at the dinner table with my roommate, my phone begins to vibrate. Yep, its her. Man I'm already blushing. So we're texting back and forth, and I should tell you that I am EXTREMELY turned on by this girl.. I mean, she's HOT. So yea, I'm horny, and due to that fact, I'm texting things that I probably shouldn't be texting... but then again, she's responding. Saying she feels the same way (horny) which is just FINE by me. LOL. So just to speed things along, she asks if I want her to come over... ummm YEA! Although I am nervous as hell, I def want her to come over. I mean I always get a little nervous with the first kiss, but if its good.... well yea, its on and poppin.

So the inappropriate/dirty texts continue, and now I want her to come over BAD, so she says she will. Now it's time to run the List, because she'll most likely be spending the night:

1. Shower

2. Shave

3. Brush teeth

4. Use Listerine

5. Make sure room is clean

6. Make sure bathroom is clean

7. Make sure ENTIRE apt. is clean!

So after all the aforementioned are checked off, and to MY high standards, I patiently sit on my bed mentally preparing myself. I didn't wanna text her and ask where she was because then it would seem like I was pressed, and plus she already said she was on her way.

And then...

YEA, you guessed it, I get that text message:

Kim: Please, please please don't be be mad at me. I swear I went to check on my roommate 2 make sure she was ok before I left n she once again said no n might need 2 go to the FUCKIN hospital. I think she full of shit but earlier she was bleeding again. She said if she don't stop in the next twenty minutes she wanna go.

Me: I knew it. I 'm going to sleep

Kim: No 4 real. I think she makin that shit up cuz she kno im bout to go somewhere n dont wanna be alone n some shit. I swear I'm dealin wit a serious ass situation

Me:

Kim: I'm gonna make this up to you in everyway you can imagine

Me: No that's cool. I'm goin to bed. Idk why your roommate can only call on you (she DEF has a boyfriend.. and isnt this HIS kid too?)... EVERYtime you and I are supposed to chill, but its whatever

Kim: No she does it every day. Days we supposed to chill and days we not. dont be mad i'll tell you everything tomorrow 4 real.

Me: I honestly don't care to know. Goodnite

Now you KNOW what's goin thru MY dag on head. I like this girl A LOT. I mean I've been crushin on her for the past 3, count them up 1, 2, 3 dag on years! And now that we're both finally available I'm getting this bullsh*t from her! My last post was whether or not I should jus tap out... and lastnight, I def was....

and then I saw her today! I know. I know, grow some balls. I'm SUCH a sucker. But I've never crushed this hard on someone before (aside from Halle Berry and Denzel, but who hasnt?) and I really wanna get to know this girl. Of course the feelings have to be mutual.. and she SAYS they are, but her damn actions are a whollllleee nother thing.

I saw her today and jus igged the SHIT outta her, I mean we must have been like 3 -4 feet apart(LOL) but I was pretendin she didn't exist. She gets up and sits next to me and apologizes, tries to explain the situation.. and I'm not tryin to hear it.

I mean I wanna hear it... but then again I don't. Plus I'm sittin nex to this otha girl I'm cool with and she doesn't know I like girls (I don't like everyone knowing). So I am giving her the COLDEST shoulder, and she is really like tryin to apologize and explain. I then began to wonder if i'm being to hard on her? I mean at least she texted to let me kno right?? That's a step... granted a BABY step, but a step nonetheless.... But Jeez, I jus wanna chill with her and if it leads to sex then it leads to sex, but I at least wanna be around her ya kno? and Boy is she fuc*in around. Today is still supposedly the day we chill and do somethin, and at this point I'm not really confident that it's gonna happen. She did say she would "make it up to me in everyway I can imagine" but talk is cheap. And her talk is worth nothing, nada, zip, zilch, ZERO. Idk. Until tomorrow, this is To be continued....

K Kim, One Last Chance

2009-04-08T07:05:00.000-07:00

Soooo Ran into kim today. She looked good enough to eat (HA). Apparently she hasn't been contacting me because her phone fell off of her balcony and the screen cracked.... Me: Excuses, Excuses. But she promised she would hit me up after 5 yesterday, once she got her new phone.

So we talked, admittedly not at 5, but we talked. Apparently her roommate got pregnant, boyfriend abandoned ship, she almost had a miscarriage and was suicidal... CRAZY I kno, but Drama none the less.

So I guess after that I forgave her, I mean truth be told, I woulda found any reason to forgive her because I like her so damn much... but I've decided to give her one final chance. She seems very shy, and I feel like I always have to pursue her in order for us to chill. UMH... no more. So I told her to hit her up when she felt like chillin. She immediately turned the question back on me: "well, when do you feel like chillin?" Not gonna work this time, I politely informed her that she needs to take some initiative. If she likes me like she SAYS she does, then perhaps she needs to show it. So long story short, she said we'd chill tomorrow.

=D

Yea, thas how I feel.

Hopefully she'll actually stick by her word. And if she can't for some strange reason... I expect to be notified. Otherwise, I may just have to let her ass go. **I sure hope not tho. I really like her.

Tap out??

2009-04-07T12:40:00.001-07:00

Okay, so among the heart breaker (steve), my first "girlfriend" (naomi), and the rebound guy, there's someone else I'm talking to. I know, I know, I should just slow down, figure out what I want, one person atta time blah, blah BLAH... but a girls gotta have options right? Her name is *kim. I have been feeling this girl since my freshman year. She is very attractive, funny, and has the coolest personality I've ever encountered. Now my freshman year, I had never been with a girl, but I knew I wanted Kim. However she was engaged our freshman year... and I'm not home wrecker.

BUT fast forward 3 years..... she's no longer engaged, I'm no longer only sleeping with men, and we're BOTH single and extremely available.

EPISODE 1:

I hit her up, we text for a few days and then I invite her over. we HIT IT OFF. We laughed, joked, and just had a BANGIN ass conversation. I tend to be very sarcastic, but she could handle it. Although there was no physical contact besides a hug on her way out... I kinda wished there had been. So after that great night, I honestly could see myself seriously talking to her, and I genuinely wanted to get to know her.

EPISODE 2:

I hit her up (notice how I am the pursuer?? I HATE feeling like I'm pressed, I mean shit! if you like me pick up the phone and lemme kno!), I want her to come over again obviously.. but she informs me there is some kind of drama with her roomie and she has to go home to comfort her... ok, I respect that. So we don't chill, nor do we text, or have any kind of contact what so ever.

EPISODE 3-5:::

to sum it up: drama, Drama, DRAMA, roomie, Roomie, ROOMIE. Broken truths, lies of returning my texts/phone calls. Everything that comes out this girls mouth is about how her roommate is goin thru it, and how she doesn't want to be involved anymore. Like Kim, baby, if you don't wanna be involved, and you wanna be able to chill with me... then just DO it.

EPISODE 6:

She says she's comin over. =D that's all I can do. But that immediately changes. 1: she comes over an hour later than I had planned... so I know she's going to be tired. 2: She's drunk (WTF) 3: I did tell her to bring a movie... but everyone knows thats code, for let's kiss and/or take it further. During the ENTIRE first half of the movie, she's talking to her roommate. 4: Once she's FINALLY off the phone, she passes out!!!! ........................................................................................................................................................................
UMMMMMHHHHH WTFFFFFFF?????

Clearly, at this point I'm pissed. Okay so maybe kissing her woulda took it too far, too soon.... but shit! Why even come over?? DAMN! So when she finally comes to, the movie is over and I want her to get the FUCK out. So I eject the dvd, walk her to the door and tell her to text me once she's made it home safely.

EPISODE 7:

Okay, I know what you're thinking, but damn I got it bad for this girl. She texts me (an improvement) and tells me she's sorry for her behavior, that her roomie has been goin thru a lot, and that she wants to sit me down and explain everything... and once she's done that I won't be mad anymore. Okay. I can dig it.

Her: Where are you
Me: In the student center on campus... you?
Her: by your apartment
Me: .... do you want me to meet you there?
Her: umh no thats cool, i gotta go home and deal with this drama, I'll hit you up later
Me: ok kim, whatever

9HOURS LATER......

Me: hey, hope you're roommate is doing better, did you still plan on comin over here
Her:
Me: ?
Her:

So after all of that... I was done. I hate being stood up, I hate liars, I hate people who allow themselves to get so sucked into drama it affects me.

Today, I see her in the student center (sc) and I say HI, and keep it moving, she catches my arm saying her apt is on the third floor, and her phone fell off the balcony. The screen broke and she had no way of contactin me. She gets a new phone today at 5 and will hit me up to talk then. Me: ok. sounds fine.

idk what it is about this girl, because I gave the rebound guy HELL when he stood me up didn't text me and she's already done that a few times. I'm trying to be patient.. but damn its wearing thin. I'm caught between dropping everyone, and keeping them all at a distance. I'll just have to think some more on it. If she comes thru on her word today.... we'll see. Naomi has to go, Steve is already gone... which leaves kim and the rebound guy. *sigh* wish me luck... I may just tap out on this one. I'm tired of ringing the bell and goin thru round after round with her ass.. gettin the same results.

Rebound Guy... pt2

2009-04-07T12:27:00.000-07:00

So me and the Rebound Guy have kinda hit it off... Surprise, surprise.

He came over last night, we chilled, watch For the Love of Ray J (DANGER!! She smashed the homie!! LOL) and For the Love of Money 2.... it was nice. Now of course there was supervision... in case he decided to go crazy again, my friend was there... but I actually enjoyed it.

Now rebound guy is into music, and acting, and he's a graduating senior here at my school. His fast pace life style may be outta my league, but he is SOO adamant that it's not, that he can make time for me etc. He's currently a platnum artist in his home country in Africa, and not only is he still recording hit songs, he's also currently filming a movie. I THINK I may like him... I'm not to sure at this point. I know I don't want to be in a serious relationship with him, but he isn't so bad now. And he WORSHIPS the ground I walk on!!! I never meant for it to be that way, of course, but he likes me something SERIOUS.

After he left my house, my friend and I went over to house to continue what we had started. I think last night was the first time I realized how in to me he seriously is. Idk why, because I have been sooo rude/ignorant to him, but apparently, he sees something in me that he likes. I feel like he could be a good friend... but a serious relationship with a rapper/actor?? ummmhhhh, can we say PASS. Idk I took the initiative to contact him to day, and we'll see how it goes. My fingers are crossed!

Ooooohhh Weeeee

2009-04-06T17:39:00.000-07:00

So, after reading my last post... I'm feeling a little rebellious. Remember the girl from "A knight....." well she was my first. I'll name her naomi. She was the first girl I ever slept with, and to her I'm grateful. She had to be the most passionate woman I've ever encountered. She unleashed a side of me that I didn't even know existed. Although she's 7 years my senior, age is just a number. She showed me Sooo many things, and was the best sex I ever had. Problem? Well she's a leo, and I'm a scorpio... apparently, we both are very strong-willed and but heads quite often. As passionate as our love making is... we can also get in Heated arguments.

So we did, got into a heated argument about nothing and went our separate ways. Now I do love her, I always will... but there wasnt a shot in HELL that I was gonna call her first, especially since I felt like my points were valid, and that I was correct. So we haven't beeen speaking for about 3 weeks. So she hit me up today... and I melted. I have missed her like crazy, but I'm entirely to stubborn.

We started talking and after we got past the I Miss You's... things started to turn south. She stated that we would never be intimate again... WHAT?? Apparently when she was talking to some other girl, she was thinking about me. When it was time for them to get intimate, she thought about me, and while they were actually smashing... yep, you guessed it. she was wishing it was me. I mean, I had no idea, but I'm not surprised. Our Sex is the BESTTT. Can't emphasize that enough. So I'm hurt, like she's the only woman I've ever cried with after sex, she's done it with me, and I've done it with her. Our emotions for each other can be overwhelming at times. I told her why avoid the inevitable? There will ALWAYS be sexual tension between us. She came over my house, and the passion just overwhelmed us. There's absolutely NO way that we can be in the same room without touching... which leads to other things. But I can't stop myself. And BOY did we go at it. She was a little jealous that I had been with another girl, but no girl can EVER top what naomi and I have. The connection is undeniable. We can't help ourselves... and DAMN her shit is SOOOOOO good. Just thinkin about it turns me on. Who woulda thought that a woman who's been a lesbian all her life would find her sexual match with a woman who, before her, had only slept with men! HA.

So we had sex, we chilled afterwards, and just held each other and then all of the sudden.... she said she had to leave! Now is it me? Or what? I really felt some kinda way about her leaving. I mean I will always care for her, and have notions of us together, but If I can't be with her... I mean Im going talk to othe people. Her shit is the best I EVER had... but damn... I can't get stuck on her again. Like when she meets other women.. I get jealous. I do. I don't show it, but I honestly hate that it isn't me. And now I've learned she feels the same way, so we made a promise not to mention other people, but I don't think it'll last. When I'm with her, everything else fades away, so when we're not together that's all I want, and then I get hurt when she doesn't feel the same way... but I can't straddle the fence forever! Either I'ma remove all my feelings for her and let it just be sex, OR, I'ma involve my feelings and express them... Its really a catch 22. Without feelings, it wouldn't be as passionate and as intense as it is, but with feelings... I tend to get caught up... Where's the balance? And does it even exist??

Damn this girl knows how to consume my thoughts. Her sex is great, her mind is.... unlike anything I've ever encountered, her body? WHATTT crazy, her head game? Unmatched. EVERYTHING about her I love, and it's driving me NUTS. I really feel like she jus used me for sex, and if that's how she wants it to be.. then she need only say the word.

Heartbreaker!

2009-04-06T17:20:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I'm back... still single, but realizing everyday..... that it's actually not that bad. Remember the guy from "A Knight In shining Armor my ass"... well let's call him *steve*. He was seriously the love of my life, I mean I had been messing with him for three years, and now that it's over... it's been rather difficult. I mean I'ma big girl, so the easiest way for me to handle it is to just cut steve off. Cold. Absolutely NO contact... now I HAD to contact him because he had some mail over at my house, and it was from the federal gov... so when he came over... he was ALL over me. I mean kissing, touching etc, and I have a soft spot for him... I mean I can't help it. Thankfully nothing happened besides the kissing, but needless to say I was a little offended that he jus felt he could walk in my life whenever he wants too.. I mean I allowed him too.... but I was feeling some type of way. But needless to say, I gotta learn EVERYTHING the hard way, so when he called me a couple days later saying his shower was clogged and could he use mine... I obliged. UGH.

BIG MISTAKE!!!!!!

He fed me all this bs about how he was still in love with me, how he could never find someone like me, blah blah BLAH. And I fell for it, hook, line, and sinker! Thankfully, again, nothing past the kissing and touching occurred....although I wanted it to. Ummm we went to church on Sunday with some of his family and then he crashed on my bed before he had to go to work.... then today he comes to me and says he met a new girl, who shares a common friend with me, and that I should keep all that happened btwn us this past weekend btwn us! WTF? So I don't ruin things with your new squeeze???

I mean weren't you JUST over here yesterday and the day before that etc with all that bs about how you were still in love with me etc?? I mean Coommmmee ON! Needless to say, my feelings were hurt. So now I've resorted back to cutting steve off. I can't, and I Won't put up with that bs. I deserve better. It's a little hard because I'll probably always have feelings for him, but what else can I do?

The Rebound Guy

2009-04-06T06:38:00.000-07:00

Met a guy… he’s not to bad to look at, but he’s a little crazy. Please know that I have just recently been dropped from a three year long, back and forth relationship…. Which means, if you’re slow, that I’m looking for the rebound guy. Hahaha. Someone to just spoil me, take me out and get my mind off of that bastard who’s officially old news.
Anyway, so I met a guy…… and, like I said before, he’s not to bad to look at. He’s got a nice little bald theme going on with him, nice full lips. He has some sharp teeth… which is a little bit of a turn off because I like my mates teeth to be straight and normal. Lol. But my problem with him is I let him take me out… and he just completely and totally disrespected me.
1. I told him to take me home… and he didn’t. BIG problem. We went out, we had our fun… now I want to go home, not to your house
2. When we arrived at his house I told him I wasn’t feeling well and that I had a sore throat… i.e. not trying to kiss him. However that didn’t stop him from nagging me about a kiss
3. He FORCES himself on top of me and rams his thick man tongue down my sore throat… umm GROSS yea, but its like come on man! That’s not what I wanted!
So now he’s back for round two, because obviously after that last encounter I CUT HIM OFF. Hahaha. And I mean absolutely NO contact. So we went out, we had a good time, and then he feels like not only was it a date…. Which it was NOT, but it was also a great opportunity for us to begin conversing EVERYDAY. I mean come on dude. Fall back, grow some nuts and then let them drop. I mean be a man.
However, my friend really thinks I should give him a chance.... so I honestly did. I hit him up, suggested lunch and his bald ass stood me up!!! LMAO can you believe that shit? He seriously stood me up. Like really dude? He hit me up sooo apologetic and with a bribe... but my whole thing was its cool if you get busy... but you couldnt send me a text so I wasn't waitin for your ass?? Ugh. Maybe I should just stick to girls

My other 1/2

2009-03-27T12:26:00.000-07:00

I can't escape you, even when I'm sleeping.
I'm dreaming, thinking that you're in front of me screaming
We beefin', going back and forth, fighting for no reason
I'm squeezing, on your neck, trying to stop you from breathing
Getting even, you punch back, leaving me with bruises, I'm bleeding.

I'm cheating, she blows it up like I've committed treason.
It's deceiving because she can't picture me leaving. She's cheesing, like she knows when I look at her what I'm seeing.

She's forcing me to look, at my eyes and my lips.
I don't want to, too much pride to admit

That the person I'm fighting... is ME
An abusive relationship, that I envision in sleep.

So I smack her, attack her, verbally harass her.
Tell her I can do better, but all I hear is laughter.
She looks at me and says " girl you're a disaster"
I look away, eyes water, I'm starting to get madder.
She says "you know I'm right, you're living life backwards".

I look back and see her,
I start to sweat,
feels like a fever.
I know she's right, even though I don't want to believe her.

I can't leave, cuz she's me, and ultimately I need her.
Every time I hurt her, I feel like I'm hurting me.
She knows how to hurt me back, she kills me with uncertainty.

So I light the flame, try to burn her to the third degree.
Wake up with burn marks, rushing off to surgery.
Oxygen mask on , thinking death would be a luxury.

Cuz I was trying to kill myself, I wasn't in love with me.

Under the Sun

2009-03-27T09:32:00.001-07:00

I was told a man should never want to profit from pain
Next day the same man told me logic's insane

Get what you can, make money then deposit the change
My life's a constant journey, and there's no stopping the train

It's like I view things different, my mind don't process the same
So I stand under the dark clouds but don't acknowledge the rain

Force myself to look into a mirror of a reflection that's depressing
Taking 18 credits of classes, not seeming to get the lesson

I'm feeling like I put in enough effort, I should've won
Came up short, thinking of other things I could've done.

Maybe I would have made it, if we were together as one.

But no, you were steady trying to lead me to the edge of the cliff
I wouldn't jump, so you tied me up and tried to feed me to the fish.

It wasn't my fault, you forced me to chose
I was building a foundation for the future, you forced me to move.

YOU forced me to use this pen
to numb the torture and abuse.

That I forced upon myself, cuz I aint wanna believe
that my hopes and aspirations were merely just a dream.

Sitting here under the tree, listening wondering when the thunder will come
Cuz I'm just not meant to live life under the sun.

Candle Light Vision

2009-03-27T08:15:00.000-07:00

Candle light dinner.... a very private occasion

So elegant, her beauty is penatratin

Her coming my way... with a slow, sexy walk, over working my patience

I'm waiting..... that candle light is in my soul is growing...
The fire is enraging

From the time she walked in to the time she got closer...my body is changing
Going thru physical phases

I'm so noticeable... dumbfounded in utter amazement

I regret the past, I'm dreaming for the future... but she got my mind on present tense
She's nothing less, than magnificent, benevolent
A personal gift from God, she's so heaven sent

Got me dreaming of places I've never been
When I'm around her... everything else is irrelevant

Candle lights gathered around the bed... a fire burning collage
She's fully relaxed... while engaging me in a mental and physical massage

When my hands touch her... she's vulnerable...
for a moment she becomes mine

Time is of the essence, but she's the essence of my time

She got me hypnotized, she the presence on my mind
The way she murders my pain, and kidnaps my stress has to be a crime

Nothin can explain the comfort.. like a breeze she's bringing in
After she moves her heavenly scent stays lingering

I want an explanation of my feelings.... what the meaning is
she said that it would all b explained when the candle light extinguishes....

LIGHTS OUT

Knight In Shining Armor My ASS!

2009-03-26T19:14:00.000-07:00

So every girl wants him. The Perfect guy, the "knight in shining armor" that'll ride in on his white horse and just sweep you off of your feet.... PLEASE. This is a fantasy played out in Disney films made by white people. This perfect person/guy doesn't exist. Not at all. One thing you'll find out about me is that I'm real. No bs ever.

Being young, and subjected to watching these Disney movies I went out on the lookout for this knight... only to find out that guy I thought fit the description was really a pathological liar who was just really good at sensing my insecurities and feeding them. Yea he lied, he cheated, he even passed on an std or two...all curable, but the point is I was crushed. Essentially we were fighting more than we were fucking. All you people know how THAT can get. Stress builds and then parties start looking elsewhere and that's EXACTLY what the fuck I did.I messed with a girl who gave the BEST head ever.... She gave head so good the shit on the inside of my pussy was on the outside. Called it the butterfly effect. So while I'm with her I wasn't messin with him... and now that I'm single I feel like a fuckin guru when it comes to guys like him.

PERFECT example: My home girl, I mean my BEST friend is messing with the wackest guy alive. I mean no college degree, 23, living in his mother's attic, no car, no job type dude. She being the girl she is stuck by him, helped him find a job, get his financial shit in order, get his car fixed... I mean she gave him money for everything under the fucking sun... then when she finds out he's cheating on her, she leaves, he causes a big scene, she calls the cops, he gets arrested, she goes the phone SHE bought him... the one that's on HER plan, that of course he doesn't pay for, and discovers 6 girls. yea SIX. They all start blowing up the phone looking for there 'boyfriend' and one of the girls even says she's been with him for 3 years and knows he's cheating on her but can't leave cuz he gave her herpes... WTF?? So of course she's freakin out, I'm freakin out, she's cursing his name and damning him to hell, I'm cursing his name and damning him to hell... and then Low and Behold. The dude gets outta jail and everything is Honky Dory??? She COMPLETELY forgets or neglects all the bs that he put her thru after he feeds her this bs story sayin while in jail, he's getting counseling and realized he has abandonment issues because his mother was a crack head.... Ummm I love my home girl and all, but she's really being stupid right now..... like yo, you haven't even got the results back from your herpes test! WTF? you think your shit is invincible? What you got teflon pussy now? You think that shit won't stick? Give me a fucking break! I've dealt with bum ass dudes before... and I've been the girl who thought the sun came out their ass and they could do no wrong. Grow the fuck up. Ladies please listen: YOU ARE WORTH SOOO MUCH MORE. Flash that nicca the deuce and keep it moving.